How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
