can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize