You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
