i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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