I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
