If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
