If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
