i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We're too hungover to prance.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
