We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
a search helicopter?!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
