I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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