My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
