Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
