i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
