If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
