If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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