SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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