i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
