Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
3 2 1 whiskey
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize