My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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