no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
