Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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