Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
