You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
