We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
