No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
