not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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