my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
