I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
