Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
