How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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