i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize