What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
