Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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