Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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