Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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