She is in my trunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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