when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i've created a new STD.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
