the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize