new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
