My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
