I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
