I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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