The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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