the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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