drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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