Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
