One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
