Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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