literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
