so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
