so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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