So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize