Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
