and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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