Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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