Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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