I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
