If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
