I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
