Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
