So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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