I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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