when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
